How Heero Got His * Appeal
by Missie2
Summary: Weird parody of a story I had to study for my Irish exam, originally titled How Diarmuid Got His Love Spot. Read if you like Quatre or Duo, Rlena bashing. Shounen-ai, R+R.


How Heero Got His Sex Appeal.  
  
  
Hey peeps! Missie here after a long dry spell, because my brother broke the computer. I'm still working on all my fics, but since I had to study this story IN IRISH for an exam, I decided to desecrate it as well by turning it into a GW fic. Enjoy!  
  
Warnings: Shounen ai, weirdness.  
  
  
  
Once upon a time in a faraway land called Ireland, a soldier decided that he and his men needed some fresh air, so they went for a fifteen vertical mile hike up Sleibh Mis. At the top of the mountain, all three soldiers saw a cottage and decided to ask to rest there for the night (although Heero wasn't tired, Wufei was complaining that rest was for women and Trowa just wasn't saying anything.)  
  
They entered the house since the door was wide open and called to the inhabitants. A strange looking guy with a three-foot braid and purple eyes enthusiastically greeted them.  
  
" Hey, we got visitors! Come on in, what's your name? Aw, who cares, have a seat, nice hair, man! QUATRE! WE NEED FOOD!"  
  
The braided guy introduced himself as Duo and started a lengthy conversation before any of the soldiers could speak. He finally stopped talking when a REALLY young looking blond guy stuck his head out of the kitchen door.  
  
" Duo, we're out of meat again."  
  
" Huh? Well, then, just carve up Relena. I have a hankering for lamb chops anyway."  
  
" For the last time, no! Now tie her back up and put away the meat cleaver."  
  
" Rats. Looks like you'll have to settle for vegetable soup, boys. Do me a favor and tie up the sheep, will you?"  
  
Heero strode over to tie the sheep named Relena to a peg on the wall, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't shift her. Wufei laughed and called him a weakling, but his laughter abruptly stopped when he found that he couldn't get her to budge either, and even Trowa couldn't tie her up. Duo rolled his eyes and looked exasperated.  
  
" God, you guys are soldiers? I'll do it."  
  
Grumbling to himself, he grabbed the sheep by the ears and dragged her to the wall, then secured her firmly. The soldiers were shocked, to say the least.  
  
" QUATRE, WHERE'S THE FOOD? I'M STARVING!"  
  
" Just a minute!"  
  
Trowa decided that Quatre was a bit of alright, so he strode into the kitchen to chat him up, missing the huge grin that spread across Duo's face. He had to plan his chat-up lines carefully, because he wasn't much of a talker.  
  
" Um, hi."  
  
" Hello."  
" Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Trowa..."  
  
" Well, you can just walk straight back to your table, Trowa. You had me once, but you'll never have me again."  
  
Trowa was left even more speechless than usual. If he'd encountered Quatre before, he definitely would have remembered it. With a big red face, he shuffled back to his table. Wufei gave him a superior smirk and Duo seemed to be trying hard not to laugh.  
  
Then, Wufei decided to try his luck with the blond, and returned two minutes later just as shocked as Trowa. Tears of hysterical laughter were tracking down Duo's face.Finally, Heero, more for conformity than any actual attraction, approached Quatre. Minutes later, he came back grumbling.  
  
" I've never seen that guy before in my life, but he just claimed that I had him once and wouldn't have him again."  
  
" He said the same to me!"  
  
" Me too!"  
  
" I must have been drunk or something..."  
  
Everyone turned to Duo in annoyance when the braided boy let out a loud whoop of laughter. Quatre came out of the kitchen then with the food, also laughing so hard he was finding it hard to breathe. Duo took a deep breath himself and tried to talk through his laughter.  
  
" You guys ( gasp ) are the most ( snicker) gullible visitors ( snort ) we've ever had here! I can't believe you fell for every single trick!"  
  
" Trick? What trick?"  
  
" Okay, I'll level with you guys. See that sheep over there? The one you couldn't tie up?"  
  
They nodded sheepishly.  
  
" Her name is Relena, and for some unknown bizarre set of circumstances she's the embodiment of strength. That's why you couldn't tie her up."  
  
" B-but you tied her up!"  
  
" Yeah, but you see, I'm the embodiment of death. Pretty cool, huh? Death always defeats strength in the end."  
  
" Alright, but who's your little blond friend? The embodiment of a slut?"  
  
Both of the smaller boys burst into laughter.  
  
" No (sigh ) He's the embodiment of youth. You did have youth once, but you'll never have it again. Pretty clever, eh?"  
  
" So you brought us in just to make fools of us?"  
  
" Aw, don't be like that! We were just having some fun! But to make it up to you, we'll give you any gift you want. But choose carefully, usually they come with curses."  
  
" A gift, eh? Like what?"  
" Like, say, a lifetime's supply of Phileas Fogg's Thankfully Cool Tortilla Chips (tm). But the curse might be that they're off their sell-by date. Heero, you go first."  
  
" Fine. I wish for you to make me irresistible to any female."  
  
Everyone was a little surprised by this, because Heero wasn't really a lady's man. Then again, maybe that's why he did it. Anyway, Duo granted his wish.  
  
" Wufei?"  
  
" I wish to be powerful enough to kill any man, woman or child on this earth!"  
  
" Done? Now how about you, Trowa?"  
  
" I wish for Quatre to be mine forever."  
  
" ( snort ) Okay. See ya, guys!"  
  
In a flash of light, they were at the bottom of Sleibh Mis. And they lived happily ever after.  
  
Oh, wait, no they didn't. The wishes came true, but did carry dreadful curses. Wufei had the ability to destroy just about anyone, but had completely forgotten this and so never tried it. Trowa's wish came true, but not the way he expected. He had wished for Quatre, but got eternal youth instead.  
  
And as for Heero, the spell worked far to well. Relena the sheep had an immense attraction to him and killed all other competitors who vied for his attention, including the late Sylvia Noventa. And because she was the embodiment of strength, he couldn't get rid of her.  
  
Quatre and Duo lived happily ever after, terrorizing innocent mountain climbers and having a great time.  
  
The End.   
  
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End file.
